Many times, we are faced with situations of such pain and suffering that shake us to the core of our beings. The death or separation from someone dear to us fills us with extreme darkness of grief within and around us. Mary Magdalene was so filled with the love of the Saviour Lord and the pain of separation due to His death on the cross, that she failed to recognise the Risen Lord at the empty tomb. During times of such darkness of grief it feels as if even the loving Lord has turned His face from us. But one has to get rid of such grief and move on in life lest our and others lives who are dependent on us be adversely affected.
Identifying the symptoms of such distress in people – The greatest blessing for a believer is that our God loves each one of His creations. In times of our distress, suffering and pain, we are assured that He hears even our unspoken cry of pain and anguish. David was called a ‘man of God’s heart’ and faced many difficult and painful situations. He could confidently declare, ‘I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry’ (Psalm 40:1). But such painful moments challenge our faith and test our physical and spiritual strength. The Scripture is filled with stories of great suffering and pain of men and women alike, to teach us that this is a part of human life. We are comforted in this that God understands our struggles and walks besides us in every situation to turn it into an opportunity for growth and strong faith.
Lord Jesus expressed His compassion and love for us by saying, ‘In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world’ (John 16:33). God is in the business of restoration and healing and His Son overcame the pain by enduring and emerging victorious over it all. David could confidently say, ‘Lord my God, I called to You for help, and You healed me’ (Psalm 30:2). This healing is about every aspect of life, from physical to spiritual. God restores our hearts and souls to wholeness in His Divine timing. All believers are fully aware of the love of God and His care, yet many falter and find it difficult to come out of their grief and pain.
The first question that most people in such a situation ask is, ‘God, why me’. Everyone counts himself worthy of God’s favour either for faith in the Saviour or for their good deeds. We must look at the cry of anguish of the Son of God on the cross, ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?’ (Matthew 27:46). His pain was the result of His absolute obedience to the will of the Father in heaven and still being spiritually separated from Him for that time. Did He deserve any of the suffering, and finally crucifixion? Definitely no! He was chosen by God for this, to redeem mankind from eternal death to eternal life in Him. God the Father was sure of the ability and obedience of His Son to undergo all that. We suffer for our own sakes but also to show others the way to remain strong in faith in that state.
Second, people start thinking, does God really care about me and my family? David had to flee into the wilderness twice, first, when Saul wanted to kill him and second, during Absalom’s rebellion. The second was after his sin with Bathsheba and murder of her husband Uria. Probably during the second case, he wrote, ‘How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?’ (Psalm 13:1). During our painful moments, during our loneliness, our past life flashes by, making us feel of being left by God also.
Third, why does everyone find fault in me for the tragedy? People who come to offer solace during such times often ask the background of the happening. Trying to help analyse, most end up criticising, ‘Oh, you should have taken this or that step’. Also, the one in pain feels every suggestion as criticism.
The other points are; replaying the memory and difficulty in forgiving oneself and others; dreams, nightmares and flashbacks of the tragic incident; fear, anxiety and anger; sadness and guilt as though one could have done something differently. During my wife’s sickness, the doctors advised us to take her home and arrange for the daily medication at home. We asked for an extension of her stay by five days and during that time she was infected with coronavirus leading to her death. One starts blaming self, each other and even God for such decisions.
Physical and spiritual numbness resulting in self-isolation – In many cases such a state leads to attempt to suicide and/or vengeance against the suspected culprit of the tragedy. Avoiding the things related to the incident; not trusting and avoiding others; condemning oneself for the incident and criticising oneself leads to further trauma and difficulty in emerging out of this. One may also feel sleeplessness, loss of appetite and lack of interest in every activity. Tragedies often cause acute depression, loss of faith and even anger or blaming God for letting this happen. The family members must keep a watch over each other and work jointly together to overcome such a situation.
Helping others and self to overcome the pain of a tragedy – Apostle James, our Lord’s brother and head of the first Church at Jerusalem, has suggested an effective way. He has taught, ‘Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much’ (James 5:16). We should share our thoughts with a trustworthy friend or a family member to overcome thoughts of self-blame. The best, loving and caring friend that we can ever find is God Himself. Our prayers must be a channel to bring before Him all our thoughts and doubts, seeking His help and guidance. Seek prayer support of others for strengthening and moving forward.
Second, remember that everyone has suffered in one way or another and carry an invisible burden on their souls. Learn and practice compassion and loving care for others, even those we do not know. Lord Jesus placed loving your neighbour as yourself, second only to loving God (Mark 12:30-31). Turn to others to encourage them by sharing your state and pain. God has given us free-will to decide the way we want to walk on; choose to let go of the pain and reach out to others.
Third, be thankful to God for His love and care every day. Also be thankful to others for their help. Every moment of our life on earth is a gift from God and we thank Him by using it for His glory and not by remorse and crying. Apostle Paul suffered physically, mentally and spiritually for preaching the Gospel. Yet, he could say, ‘In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you’ (1 Thessalonians 5:18). This is not only for joyful moments but about every place, time and circumstances.
Four, fill your heart with Lord Jesus. The devil’s three attempts to tempt the Lord after His baptism and anointing with the Holy Spirit, were to shift His focus from God the Father, in heaven, and shift to the earthly. We are commanded to ‘put on the Lord Jesus Christ’ and thus, we live like Him, caring for others, even under extreme pain and suffering like He did on the cross (Romans 13:14). Our life is governed by the plan of God and not under our control. But we have the option to react to everything the way we choose. This is a proven fact, medically also, that those who turn towards God during sickness, pain and suffering, recover and emerge better, faster.
Five, fill your mind with the Word of God. Judas Iscariot and Simon Peter had both been with Lord Jesus and had heard and seen Him perform all miraculous deeds. They had both experienced His love closely. Judas betrayed the Lord and realised his mistake to go back to the ‘chief priests and elders, to say, ‘I have sinned by betraying innocent blood’ (Matthew 27:4). Apostle Peter denied the Lord three times and ‘the Lord turned and looked at Peter’ (Luke 22:61-62). He could fathom the deep and intense love of his Lord towards him, even when the Jewish leaders and chief priest were subjecting Him to great pain and suffering. The effect on both was different, while Judas committed suicide, Apostle Peter ‘went out (of the court of the high priest’s house) and wept bitterly. When we focus on the Scripture, we feel the intense care of the Good Shepherd, our God who suffers with His sheep.
Six, establish a set routine with definite rules. In Nagaland and many other cultures mourning period is only for four days, after which life must return to normal. Start participating in normal activities at the earliest, without bothering about the criticism of others.
Seven, fill your life with good friends with accountability towards each other and towards God. Set up timings to meet and discuss ways to help each other and meet the needs of others. We are commanded to ‘encourage each other and build (edify) one another up’ (1 Thessalonians 5:11). In this manner help each other shift focus away from present troubles. Jointly discuss things of common interest that bring joy and plan something you would like to do. Thus, everyone can be what you really are which may be different than what you presently are, when filled with grief and pain.
Apostle Peter emerged much stronger after the pain and humiliation of denying the Lord as also the other disciples. Those who hid themselves in fear of te Jews, moved out and shook the whole world with their testimony. I must be ready and willing to shift out of the shadow of gloom and despair to be what God desires me to be. It is always a deliberate effort, while others can help but we ourselves have to move, one difficult step at a time.
Points to be careful about – The most important is bringing in a sense of safety physically, mentally, spiritually and also financially. It is about having a family environment that whispers love and care rather than shout. This calmness starts the process of healing where the family provides the much-needed anchor during such unexpected storms. The family heals together by encouraging each other. After my wife’s death on Sunday, we planned for a shoot of the TV program on Saturday to move on in faith and healing from the trauma.
First is to know that there are things that we do not know nor are required to know. We need to submit to God’s plan for our lives and even beyond that. The doubts come about our faith and way of praying and everything connected to that. Despite all the doubts, the focus must shift to and remain on God, and the earlier the better.
Second, lifting the burden of guilt. After any tragic situation, the thoughts always keep on shifting to the steps that one could have taken to avoid it. This is one feeling that becomes very difficult to get rid of and more so the ‘I warned/told you so’ comments. In actual fact, this feeling alienates us from God, for we start imagining that we can control our destiny and must do so.
Third, Let go and let God. Connected to the feeling of guilt is a determined effort to surrender to God’s will. Job wanted a chance to meet to ask God the reason for his suffering. However, when God appeared to him, Job could only say, ‘I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You’ (Job 42:2). The only way that God can ever do anything in our lives is, if we let Him, and we do that by emptying ourselves of our own self and ego. Ego is not about self-pride or importance but it is also the feeling of self-dependence as compared to God/others dependence. Our self-will was given by God for the purpose of isolating and saving us from the unnecessary interference of others.
Our Lord is our loving Father, yet He desires to hear from us, ‘My heart and My flesh fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever’ (Psalm 73:26). We read this verse but grief and pain become so overwhelming, that our mind, heart and soul somehow seem unable to connect. I have been asked to speak in the memorial service of the known but when it was time to speak about my own wife at her memorial service, it was unbearably painful. We must repeatedly keep on speaking to the soul within to find comfort in the Word of God. It is preaching to oneself in joy as well in grief to find anchor in the love and grace of God.
Four, grief is a personal feeling and there can be no comparison in expression of feelings. Some cry visibly and loudly while the tears of others are flowing more within the heart and the soul than visible outside. Do not compare but honour your own feelings.
Five, there will always be questions without answers in any situation. Accept that and do not keep on digging down, but rather look up and leave it all in God’s able hands.
Six, live with the duality of pain and moving forward. Mary Magdalene and the other women with her saw the empty tomb and even the testimony of Mary Magdalene having seen and talked to the Risen Lord was not believed by the others. But that did not put them in despair and they were later proved right. On the same day, finally Lord Jesus came to the disciples when they were hiding behind closed doors for fear of the Jews (John 20:19). He blessed them, ‘Peace be with you’. The word ‘Shalom’ in Hebrew language is much more than peace of mind only. It is about an inward sense of wholeness, security, peace and freedom from inner turmoil.
Even when we are hiding behind the curtain of grief and pain, our loving Father in heaven keeps an eye on us. His Holy Spirit in us continues to fill us with His love and self-control. The pendulum of pain and His peace keeps on swinging, sometimes in a violent manner, with surprise, trying to drown us, as also lift us up. We keep clinging to Him and He is faithful to lead us into His ‘hope, joy and a future filled with love and peace’.
There is no one alive on the earth who has not been shattered by sudden and unexpected pain and grief. But this suffering is more when the hurt is caused by someone we trusted and set our hopes on. The Scripture is filled with real stories of people who suffered intense pain, yet pulled themselves out of that pit in the strength of the Lord God. We are obligated by God to help others in such moments by sharing their pain and help them emerge from that darkness into His glorious Divine light!
